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Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson was our nation's third President. He is best known for being featured on the Better Know A Founder segment during the November 15, 2006 episode of The Colbert Report. It is a wideley known fact that Thomas Jefferson liked him some white chocolate. (hence the inter-racial sex.) Contrary to common belief, Bill Clinton was not the first pimp to be the president,Thomas Jefferson was. He was also the first Democrat to be President. During his presidency he appointed bears to top political offices, revoked the patriotic Alien and Sedition Acts, gave money to the French in exchange for western territory, grew dope in the White House gardens, and refused to fight the bear-loving and freedom-hating British. Thankfully, Jefferson's successor, James Madison, turned this around with the glorious War of 1812 Early Life Thomas Jefferson was born in 1743 in Virginia. His father was an officer in the BBC (British Bear Corps), while his mother was a drug dealer. As a child, Jefferson attended one of the first openly-liberal public schools, where he learned all about growing hemp, owning slaves, and worshipping bears. He then went to college and studied law. After he got accepted to the bar, Jefferson repeatedly was a defense attorney for gays, terrorists, and factonistas. He made a name for himself after he successfully defended British soldiers in the trial following the Boston Massacre. John Adams had absolutely nothing to do with this, because he was too busy getting high with the King of England to do any lawyering. Good things Despite the many bad things however, he did do one good thing. He opposed the beliefs of the Federalists, who are what liberals would be today if they had still existed. Federalists wanted a strong central government much like Britain, just without the King. However, Jefferson and many others wanted a loose central government and power to the states. Pre-Presidency Upon the inauguration of George Washington in 1789, Jefferson was made the first Secretary of State. Relations with the administation went downhill when he urged Washington to support France, and after he bitch-slapped Alexander Hamilton when debating with him about the merits of the free market. He was fired after it was revealed that he had boned one of his slaves. Post-Presidency Jefferson left office in 1809, and went back to Monticello. He continued to be his same old unpatriotic self, supporting the British and terrorists in the War of 1812, and writing many books about how to destroy America. He founded the University of Virginia, which was founded as a liberal, terrorist-training school. He died in 1826, exactly 50 years after the founding of this nation (what a tragic coincidence). On his deathbed, Jefferson asked one of his slaves if it was the fourth of July. When the slave said yes, Jefferson said "Fuck!" and then died. "America's Next Top Jefferson" 's Tim Gunn checks out the "Thomas" wannabes, "Jefferson two, you are funereal."]] Descendants Thomas Jefferson has many black descendents since he slept with a slave and fathered many children. These childer later assembled the NAACP, and most live in California. They were the founders of San Francisco. Among President Jefferson's black descendents is William Jefferson, that Democrat who stole money and hid it in his freezer. George Jefferson has moved up way up in Heaven. Factoids * Boned Sallie Hemmings. * Grew industrial-strength hemp, meaning that he was a Libertarian. * Is on the nickel. * Went to South Africa, which might not be a real place, to stop the Vegemite crisis. Category:Dead Presidents